if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
