dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
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