Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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