Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Randomize
