I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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