I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Houston, we have a blender
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
