So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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