I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
