I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
