It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
