I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
