I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
