we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
