My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
