the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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