Will you blow on my dice?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
