Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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