God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
