Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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