sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize