I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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