My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so much tequila, so little girl.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
