Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
