my phone needs a breathalizer
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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