Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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