Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
please come you make the beer taste better
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
