wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
