I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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