i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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