apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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