someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
