YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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