Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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