I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
