I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
