hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
