If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
