I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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