We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
