You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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