how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize