Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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