you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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