I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
