if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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