Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
