No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
