hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
