she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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