I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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