there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
