You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
