when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize