There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hippo gnu deer
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
