A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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