walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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