i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
