cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
